Time to Think

This is my living room. In the last week I've had off (for the national holiday) I've had quite a lot of time to stare at it, sit in it, rearrange it, and photograph it. 

"Sometimes I think Sam could convince God of anything" - Mary S., a therapist I had my freshman year of high school.

Well that might not be true (and may actually be blasphemous, especially coming from a Christian counselor) it is true that I can convince myself of just about anything. I'm good at fabricating a reality based on some idea I've had too much time to think about. Those realities have taken a number of forms: I need to major in something different, I need to take up a certain hobby, I'm in love with such and such person....I could go on and on.

I can't possibly convey the negative effect of having an empty week in which to ponder and "fabricate" has had, and now the reality I've created seems to be one that's screaming what am I doing here?

It's a fairly typical Sam reaction to a situation: take an offer for an internship, get offered a job based on that internship, tentatively accept the job in reaction to some semblance of security that it offers....

....and then scrutinize the hell out of it. 

Maybe the grass is just greener on the other side of the Pacific (in fact, I'm pretty sure it is greener), maybe I miss Amy, and Lauren, and Jayme, and Jaysin, and the jobs that I had where I knew what I was doing and took comfort in the fact that the lack of any chance for advancement meant that I was already on top and there was nothing else I had to learn. 

Someone once said I was negative, or more of a "glass half-empty" type of person. It hurt to hear it, but I have to acknowledge the truth in it. I just wish for once I could be a little more positive, a little more upbeat. I really hate facing that I'm just not that happy of a person, and I probably won't ever be, and there are a lot of things I would never have learned if I were an optimistic person. 

So, I'll eat the bitterness, and see what happens at work on Monday.