Desert

At some point last night as I was laying on the couch, trying not to think of all the things that had been keeping me up every other night, and an image drifted into my mind.

I was in the desert, near Tucson. At first it was normal, just a view akin to the hundreds of pictures I have of the desert in Arizona. As it stayed in my mind I let myself feel like it was mine, like I lived there. In an instant everything drained out of me. I owned this place, and because of that ownership I was cut off from the couch, from the apartment, from the thoughts in my mind that were eating away at me. I felt, laying there, like I didn't belong where I was. Then I imagined leaving, and what I would say to people...

"I'm leaving. I don't know when I'll ever come back".

And they would be sad, and I would be sad. And it felt sad and it felt painful in my head, but it somehow felt right.

I think it's time for me to go when I graduate; maybe not to Tucson, but somewhere. I know I'll take my baggage with me no matter how many of my possessions I get rid of, and there's nothing I can do about that.

The last time I left everything behind I moved from Singapore to China. I packed all of my clothes in boxes, and I got rid of everything else. Everything. Unfortunately that baggage got translated into bad habits and bad decisions in Shanghai, rather than being translated into an opportunity to gain a new perspective.

Hopefully I don't do that again.