Morphine and its synthetic derivatives (hydrocodone, oxycodone, fentanyl, dihydrocodeine, diacetycl morphine etc) are odd substances, like the whole opiod class of drugs. They are addictive, and they make most people feel wonderful. Unlike crack, speed or ecstasy, they won't use you up and leave you looking like a horrible shell of a person after 6 months of heavy use; in fact, many people are prescribed opioids for their entire lives for chronic pain conditions. It even takes incredibly high doses of them to kill you, unless you're an idiot and drink or take other drugs with them.
There might not even be any problem in your life if you were constantly taking them forever, or at least for a very long while. The problem arises when you dont' have an unlimited supply, and they aren't around forever.
Isn't this the case with most things that you want but could never have an unlimited supply of? Everything would be wonderful if you could keep getting as much as you wanted, its the lack and the desire for more when you "run out" and reach that empty "pill bottle" that's so bad. At some point this forces you to give up and stop asking for more, and look for something else that can make you happy on a deeper level.
Is there a deeper level of happiness? Or can everything just be equated back to substance use? It's really all to do with brain chemistry after all. Happiness is just the release of dopamine, seretonin, or other neurotransmitters, whether it was caused by a drug or a person.
If everything is really just like drug addiction, then what's the point of anything? What is happiness, anyways? What is being content? What is it that I see in most everyone around me but not in me? What is this capacity to feel normal that is lacking? Why do I feel like a shell, when there is no "thing", no person, no substance causing the release of those chemicals in my brain?
Am I just 21 and stupid? Or am I feeling a return of something that was gone long ago? Am I really just as clinically depressed and unstable as Dr. Best thought I was when he doled out all those prescriptions? Did it really go away? Did it just so happen that those prescriptions ran out the minute that I met Luke? and Luke ended the minute I met Zachary? Has my life just been one long splotch of discontentedness with things that forced me to feel happy (sometimes for years at a time) mixed in?
What's wrong? I don't know. I'm sitting here in the library about to cry because I just want my mom to come pick me up.
YOU are enough.
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